I want to understand myself more.

Why i cannot let go of all my troubles and be trouble free again? I want to understand myself more, i want to know why am i so troubled when i shouldn't be behaving this way. I hate to be trap in a situation when i know the result is negative yet i tried to find lots of excuses inorder not to accept the fact.
I AM A LIAR! I AM NOT HONEST TO MYSELF!!
I will be strong like before to pass through this current stage of my life without any help from people. Alot of times i have a very strong urge to call my best friend, tell her my problem and release all the stress i had in me.. but i didn't. I held back everytime. I choose to talk to my dog because i know he will not say out my secret.
I am a weirdo. I am timid. I am totally pissed off with myself.
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Few days ago after work, i get too bored while waiting for pat.. i took this photo.


And today...... When there's too many traffic red lights on the road, my brother and mum are busy talking among themselves.


I am not in the mood to wear colourful clothings lately, been wearing black or those darker tone colour.